i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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