I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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