My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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