I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
