Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
