And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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