I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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