I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
