If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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