i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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