I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize