i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
