I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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