There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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