There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize