I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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