I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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