By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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