I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
