i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
