Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My bed smells like the plague
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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