I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish you could order shots online.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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