apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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