Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
