I understand Curling. That high.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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