i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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