Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
