Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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