I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
