you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
