I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You just made me feel so damn special
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
