i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
