i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
