I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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