Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
