chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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