I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
