this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I can't put those talents on a resume
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
