take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
