I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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