My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
