i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
