Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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