are you still at the devil's house?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
