Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize