well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
