Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
