If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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