Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
