dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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