Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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