Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
