Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
