Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It was confusing and full of hummus
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
