I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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