You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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