hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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