We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
