somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
