Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
