why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
