He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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