you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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