Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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