Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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