Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
