Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
