I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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