I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
