The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wanna go halves on a baby?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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