Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
